


You're Not a Freak

by ImaKaraTabiHe



Series: What is "Normal"? [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, OCD - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Secrets, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:12:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8680051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaKaraTabiHe/pseuds/ImaKaraTabiHe
Summary: Barry's been keeping a secret for a long time.  He's hid it from his family and his friends, but then Len enters his life and things come crashing down.  Luckily for Barry, Len is there to catch him.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Ты не псих](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8941954) by [Kotokoshka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kotokoshka/pseuds/Kotokoshka)



> Special thanks to pansexual-fandom-queen for all her help both with this fanfic and when I was feeling wobbly.

It was _weird._ Barry knew it was weird, but he just.. he just _couldn't help it._

He's not sure when it began really, but since his  _thing_ wasn't hurting anyone (except his  wallet – ouch), he figured it was fine. He thought he was fine, but as fine as it was to him, he knew that it was weird to everyone else, so he didn't tell anyone.

Joe was easy to hide it from since, although he was his foster dad, he tended to be busy and busy people were easy to pull the wool over. Iris was.. less easy.

“Barry? Why do you need so much hand soap?” she'd asked one day. Barry had blanked for a moment, frozen, but Iris had been distracted by a box of cookies and hadn't noticed.

“Because I want to keep it in stock,” Barry lied. “It's not like you're going to stop using soap.” His face scrunched up. “At least, I hope not.” Iris had made an offended sound and whacked him on the arm, but she didn't ask any further and for that Barry was grateful.

Becoming a CSI was his dream job, but it was also the greatest excuse ever. Who wanted a CSI who didn't make sure his hands were clean when handling evidence? Sure, he used gloves like every other CSI, but sometimes they ripped, sometimes you'd touch something wrong and screw up evidence. Not Barry though. Barry was a person with clean hands. If you ever needed hand sanitizer when you were out and about, Barry had you covered.

Getting struck by lightning and being in a coma for nine months in STAR Labs, while spectacular STAR Labs was, he'd instantly tried  _not_ to freak out about being in a place he'd had no idea of how clean it was. Okay, so.. Labs were usually very clean and STAR Labs especially, but still. It was the thought of everything that  _could_ have been dirty.

'What if when they checked on me they forgot to wash their hands?'

'How often did they wash the sheets?'

And the kicker, 'Had they  _bathed_ him at all?'

Barry had used missing his family as an excuse to flee STAR Labs as soon as possible. He did miss them, of course, but first he just  _needed_ to take a shower, to be  _clean._

Damn, he was weird.

Becoming Flash was weird in a different kind of way. There was no way he was going to tell Cisco, Caitlin, and Wells that his pulse jumped and his thoughts cringed when he went there. It was too much. He couldn't tell what was clean and who touched what, so he tended to awkwardly stand around. Unless he was injured, then he knew that the surfaces he touched were clean. Caitlin was serious about medicine. He appreciated that.

He could deal with it when he was the Flash. Outside was obviously not clean. That was fine, but then.. there was inside. There was when he took off the costume (and cleaned it, of course) and he got to take a shower, scrub the sweat and dirt from his body. The inside where he could wash his hands once, forget whether what he touched was clean or not and go back and get clean, throw on his lounge clothes that  _would never see the outside, ever._

Barry could deal. Home was his safe haven.

And then.. Len came around. Barry was captivated by the depth in his eyes, his smooth voice, his gorgeous body.. Fuck it – even his personality under his Captain Cold persona was perfect. Barry fell head over heels each time when it came to that icy criminal.

For whatever reason, Len had fallen for Barry too. He'd told Barry how bright his personality was, how light and joyful his laugh was, how loyal and kind he was, how selfless, how sexy his body looked in “that red leather”.. When Len had asked Barry to dinner during a heist, he'd almost tripped over himself to say yes. He'll never forget how blinding Len's smile was and the way his eyes crinkled at the sides when he did.

Dating Len was a miracle in itself. Of course they'd kept things to themselves, not wanting others butting in on their relationship and Captain Cold and Flash still fought in public, but in private? In private, they were sky high together. Things were perfect – and then Barry's _thing_ would steal a gut shot.

He almost ran away when Len had first asked about why he was using so much hand sanitizer.  Barry had plastered a sheepish smile on his face and waved it off as a “hazard of the job”. Len had frowned for a moment making Barry sweat, but eventually he nodded and continued to ask about Barry's favorite food. Barry was relieved as he talked about the amazing portions of Korean meals while he internally let go of the breath he was holding and life went on swimmingly.

\- Swimmingly until everyone had found out about Len and Joe had kicked him out because he wouldn't leave Len. He loved Len and he wasn't about to let go of his amazing boyfriend. Len had been angry but remained calm when Barry told him it was fine and that he'd been wanting to move out anyways.

When Len had asked Barry to move in with him instead of getting a new place, Barry had been five fingers away from turning him down. How could he live with the love of his life and hide his _thing_? Len was sharp and he noticed so many small details when it came to a heist or to Barry, so how could he keep this weirdness from him?

Len had taken his hand and squeezed it gently when Barry had gone silent. He asked if Barry was okay with concern. Seeing Len so worried about him because he honest to God loved him was what did it. Barry agreed, silently vowing to do everything he could to keep Len from finding out. This was his shameful secret and he didn't want Len to look at him like he was a freak. One person finding out back in high school had been enough.

Barry moved in that night, flashing his stuff over to Len's private apartment and quickly putting things in place. It was a nice place, clean looking, but Barry knew that _clean_ _looking_ wasn't the same as clean. Len had a habit of taking his shoes off at the door and hanging his coat up. It lessened some of the tension for Barry. He did the same.

His throat closed up when he saw Len plop down on the couch. 'It's okay,' Barry told himself. 'That's fine. That's  _normal.'_ He forced himself to follow Len's lead and sit down on the couch beside him. He shuffled anxious as thoughts of everywhere he'd been in the clothes he was wearing. 'Seats at STAR, chair at the station..'

“It's okay, Barry,” Len said. “He'll come around. They'll all come around.” Weakly, Barry nodded. He believed that. He just couldn't tell Len he believed that or else Len would want to know why Barry looked two seconds away from having a panic attack.

Barry snuggled into Len's side. 'It'll be okay,' he tried to soothe himself. 'Before we sleep, we'll shower and get clean. I'm sure Len keeps his sheets washed. ..Right?' He breathed in the scent of his lover and thrust the issue of his thing from his mind. Everything would be fine. Barry had learned to deal with the outside. He could deal with this. For Len, he could do it.

And he did do it. Barry utilized his speed every chance he got when he was at home with Len. He'd speed wash his hands several times, sometimes using alcohol. He took over washing clothes and bedsheets. He splashed water in his cups before he drank from them without Len catching him.

Barry was thrumming with happiness. He was doing it. He was satisfying his _thing_ , living with Len, and Len didn't even know something was up.

At least.. Barry hadn't thought he did. He should've remembered just how amazing Len was. You don't just get to be Captain Cold because you can scope out a place; you also learn to read people. That was why he shouldn't have been surprised when one evening before dinner, Barry came out of the bathroom having speed washed his hands twice to come face to face with Len.

“Is there something you're not telling me, Scarlet?” Len had questioned seriously, eyes scanning Barry's frozen form.

“N-no?” Barry hesitantly replied. He hadn't burned anything and thrown it away lately. He was doing better with cooking under Len's guidance after all.

“Barry.”

Barry fidgeted with his hands in front of him as his anxiety spiked. Len reached out to grab one of his hands and suddenly  his  _thing_ went  into overdrove . Barry flinched away before Len could touch him, and Len stilled, eyes narrowing.

“What's wrong, Barry?” Len inquired, tone low as he retracted his hand.

“I-I-” Barry stuttered, trying not to hit himself. He shouldn't have flinched away. He could've handled Len touching his hands. He could always wash them later. It was Len's hand. He loved Len. “Nothing's wrong,” he brokenly replied and he instantly realized that he didn't even believe his own words, so how could Len?

“Barry,” Len tried again, this time without touching him. “Please,” he pleaded. “Tell me what's wrong and we can fix it. Together. Whatever the problem is, we'll solve it.”

Barry gnawed on his lower lip as his thing and anxiety burned beneath his skin. He couldn't tell Len his thing – it was too weird. It wasn't normal.  _Barry_ wasn't normal.

“Please trust me,” Len begged gently and Barry's resolve broke. Of course he trusted Len. This was the man he loved, how couldn't he trust him?

Shoulders sagging, Barry sighed, rubbing his face with his dry hands. “Can we sit down first?” Barry asked, trying not to let his body quiver. Len nodded slowly. “And can you.. wash your hands before we do?” he winced as he requested it.

Len nodded, trusting. “Why don't you sit down and I'll be right there?” Barry inclined his head and leaned forward, carefully, to place a light kiss on Len's cheek.

Barry shifted on the couch with his nerves on edge as Len sat down beside him, hands still slightly damp from washing them. This time Barry didn't hesitate to slip his hands around one of Len's and squeeze it gently. Len's eyes focused on that like a piece of a puzzle was fitting into place.

“I'm.. not sure how to tell you this without it seeming.. weird,” Barry carefully stated. “It's nothing serious, really. I just.. I have this _thing_.” Len narrowed his eyes at Barry, searching for any sign of this “thing” Barry was talking about.

“It's not physical,” Barry continued with a glance at his dry hands. “Well, mostly.” Len ran his thumb over the back of one of Barry's hands slowly. “It's really nothing bad. I promise. It's just freakish and weird and it makes me weird and a freak, and I didn't want you to know – actually, nobody knows how much of a freak I am with such a _thing_ – but I didn't want you to have to deal with it. Honestly, I've been dealing so far on my own -”

“Barry,” Len interrupted. “I swear to you that nothing, no _'thing'_ _,_ _nothing_ will ever make you a freak. You may be a bit quirky, but that's one of your wonderful qualities. I love you.”

Barry could feel his eyes water and he bit the inside of his mouth to keep from crying, because fuck he loved Len too – so so much!

“I..” Barry began, “I like.. clean things.” It sounded so lame. “It makes me panic whenever I touch something dirty and I can't clean it.” It sounded stupid. “The outside is filled with so many germs, it's.. it's not sanitary.” Obviously. Everyone knew that. It was normal. “I can't relax at night unless I'm clean, unless our bed is clean.” So dumb. Barry sniffled, biting into the inside of his mouth harder as the metallic taste flooded his mouth.

And Barry confessed everything. He told Len how much he'd hid from him, from everyone, what he did to stay clean, to ensure that things he touched were clean. He hated touching raw meat so damn much. He hated having to sleep in a place that wasn't clean when he was. He told him how he fooled everyone, how he'd lied.

By the time he was done, Barry was shaking and there were salty tear tracks on his cheeks. He loathed himself so much for being so pathetic and abnormal. He really was a freak. He was afraid to look at Len, afraid to see that Len knew he was a freak.

Len was quiet and still for a while and Barry thought he was thinking of ways to tell him how stupid it was without saying that word because he was just that kind. But he didn't. He felt Len squeeze his hands warmly and then his hands were gone. Barry's head shot up. “Wait right here,” Len murmured before getting up and leaving the room.

'Wait right here'? For what? If Len didn't want him anymore he should just say so. Come right out with it. Was he merely postponing the inevitable by giving Barry time to grieve?

Barry sat on the couch, eyes wide as his heart broke. Len was gone. A sob ripped its way from his throat and his heart pounded painfully in his chest. Len was gone. His nails dug into his skin as he fought to keep himself together and failed. He sat there and cried for who knows how long. Vaguely he recognized the sound of the shower turning on, but he couldn't bring himself to focus on it when his heart was in pieces.

“Barry.” It was Len's voice. Why? “Barry, look at me.” The command in Len's voice absently made Barry raise his head to look at the thief. He blinked. Those were different clothes – _clean clothes,_ Barry knew. He washed them earlier. He breathed in and there was the fresh scent of vanilla from the body wash Len used and parts of Len's face shone, damp with water.

“Can I hold you?” Len asked and it took Barry a minute, long enough that Len added on, “I washed up and put on some clean clothes.” He had and.. hadn't he been leaving Barry? Why was he there?

“Barry,” Len repeated. Barry nodded slowly. He was clean, so it was fine. It wasn't going to set off his thing.

Len reached out, pulling Barry into his arms, holding him so close and so tenderly that Barry's heart trembled in his embrace. “What's going on?” the words slipped from his mouth, but he was too confused and lost to stop them.

Leaning back, Len brought his hands up to cup Barry's cheeks and he kissed Barry so gently, so lovingly that Barry's legs felt weak. “Barry,” Len started, forehead against Barry's as he locked eyes with him. “I'm so sorry.”

“What?” Barry croaked.

“I'm sorry I didn't know that you have OCD,” Len continued. Barry flinched at the way Len named his thing out loud as if he'd just said something horrible. “Barry,” Len continued, looking him in the eye. “We both know that's what it is. God, Barry. I didn't realize you were suffering.”

Barry then proceeded to stare at him, jaw slack. He couldn't believe this. “I wasn't suffering,” he replied numbly. “It's not OCD. I've never been to the doctor.”

“Yes, Scarlet,” Len gently insisted. “You were and it is OCD. I've seen a lot during my travels and met a lot of people. I can see it clearer now, and I think you can too.” Barry didn't want to. Len sighed. “You've lived here for two months and I can't imagine the Hell you've gone through trying to keep it together.”

“It wasn't..It was fine,” Barry tried, but Len shook his head.

“It's not fine.” Len's fingers stroked Barry's cheek and his other hand threaded itself in Barry's hair. “Barry, OCD is nothing to be ashamed of. It's not weird. It doesn't make you a freak. It's not wrong or abnormal. I wish you had told me sooner,” Len's voice hitched slightly with emotion.

Barry swallowed, heart not quite sure what to do. “Barry, I know you've been handling this on your own for so long, but you're not alone. I can't read your mind, so I need you to tell me when I can help you, when I can make you feel safe and relaxed. You live here too, Barry, so if there's something I can do to make you comfortable, I want you to tell me,” Len pleaded. “You don't have to bottle up your feelings or try to deal with your problems on your own. I'm here for you, no matter what you need. If you want to see someone, and even if you're not ready, I'll be right by your side. I love you, Scarlet. I love you so damn much.”

Tears were falling again, but these tears were tears of joy and happiness as he leaned into Len and hugged him tightly. Len hugged him back just as tight as Barry sobbed into Len's chest, apologizing over and over again and telling him how much he loved him.

“Ssh.. It's going to be okay, Barry,” Len promised. “I'm right here beside you now and forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> I began to write this after I realized that I wanted to read a fanfic where a hero is struggling with OCD. I looked for fanfics of my favorite characters with OCD, but I still haven't quite found much. Actually, there wasn't a proper AO3 tag for this fanfic. I guess it's not a common topic, but it can be controlling and people can struggle with it.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a good Monday. Wishing you a good week~


End file.
